We all avoid things sometimes.
You put off sending an uncomfortable email. You keep meaning to bring up an issue with a coworker, but decide tomorrow will be better. You avoid opening your inbox because you already know there are things you need to deal with.
For a moment, it feels like a relief.
But that relief can come with a catch.
Why We Avoid
Avoidance isn’t always about being lazy or not caring. It’s usually our brain trying to protect us from something uncomfortable.
We might avoid things because we’re afraid of:
- Making a mistake
- Being judged or rejected
- Having a difficult conversation
- Feeling overwhelmed
- Experiencing an uncomfortable emotion
- Failing or disappointing someone
- Not knowing what will happen
When we avoid something and immediately feel better, our brain learns, “Avoiding that made me feel better.”
And the next time we’re faced with something similar, avoidance can become the automatic response.
The Avoidance Cycle
Think about a difficult conversation at work.
You know you need to address an issue with your coworker, but the thought of bringing it up makes you anxious. So you decide to wait.
Your anxiety decreases.
But the conversation still needs to happen. You think about it again tomorrow, feel anxious again, and put it off again.
Eventually, the conversation can feel even more intimidating than it did in the first place.
Discomfort → Avoidance → Temporary Relief → More Avoidance
The tricky part is that avoidance works in the short term. It’s just not always helpful long-term.
Avoidance Isn’t Always a Bad Thing
Not every time you step away from something is avoidance.
Taking a break when you’re overwhelmed, saying no to something that isn’t right for you, or stepping away from an unsafe situation can be healthy choices.
A helpful question is:
“Is this helping me take care of myself, or is it keeping me stuck?”
If you’re repeatedly putting something off because you’re hoping the uncomfortable feeling will go away, you may be caught in an avoidance cycle.
And sometimes, understanding why something feels so difficult can be an important first step toward changing the pattern. This is one of the things you can explore in therapy, especially when avoidance is connected to anxiety, stress, past experiences, or feeling overwhelmed.
How to Start Breaking the Cycle
You don’t have to suddenly become fearless.
Get curious.
Ask yourself, What am I avoiding, and what feeling am I trying not to experience?
Start smaller.
Instead of “I need to deal with this entire work situation,” maybe the first step is writing down what you want to say. Instead of “I need to clean the whole house,” start with one room.
Expect some discomfort.
You don’t have to feel completely confident before you act. Sometimes, confidence comes after we take the step and realize we can handle what happens next.
Give yourself credit for approaching.
Opening the email, making the appointment, starting the conversation, or asking for help all count. Progress doesn’t always mean finishing the task. Sometimes it means turning toward something you’ve been avoiding.
You Don’t Have to Do It All at Once
Breaking the cycle of avoidance isn’t about forcing yourself to do everything that makes you uncomfortable.
You can slowly build the belief that you can experience discomfort without letting it make every decision for you.
The next time you notice yourself putting something off, pause and ask:
“Am I giving myself the time I need, or am I waiting for the discomfort to disappear?”
You may not be ready to take the biggest step.
That’s okay.
Start with the smallest one.
And if you’ve been feeling stuck in a pattern of avoidance and aren’t sure how to move forward, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Our team can give you space to understand what’s underneath the avoidance and develop strategies for approaching difficult things in a way that feels manageable.
